Wednesday, April 05, 2006


Time to bear a little more of my heart. Last night was the first night in a long time where I struggled to sleep for emotional reasons. I felt overwhelmed, exhausted, alone and yearned for someone to hug me and tell me it was all going to be okay. I wanted someone to tell me that they loved me unconditionally.

As I lay there in my bed I remembered a lesson I was taught over nearly four and a half years ago by a friend of mine. I am more sinful than I can understand but more loved than I can begin to imagine (or words to that effect). At the time this caused some tremors in my life. I did not find it hard to see myself as sinful but I know I will never fully grasp how sinful I am in this life (and later I came to understand that this is directly related to how I will never fully understand how loved I am). But the earthquake then came from the second half. I am more loved than I can possibly imagine. I am? At that point in my life I was struggling very much under a works mentality. I was doing a year as a Relay worker largely out of a desire on my part to make amends to God for the bad job I had made of being a Christian Union leader and in various other areas of my life. Being taught well about Grace for the first time began to turn my world on its head then and led to change in direction for my life. I could and did not need to make amends for my sin as Christ has already done it.

Four and a half years later I find myself here. Lonely, tired, and overwhelmed. And it is grace that gives me hope (and I hope and pray it will always be where I look for it). But there as I tried to sleep I was looking for another human being to play a role that they were never intended to and never could really play. I then remembered that I don't need someone to tell me I'm okay, I know I am okay. Jesus death on the cross changes my status before God. It atoned for my sin once and for all. How do I know I am loved? I could refer to any one of many passages in the bible but John 3 v 16 will do for now.

Then I went to sleep.

This is not for one minute saying that I don't need, value or appreciate the support of friends and family. Rather it is saying that I am (for now at least) looking at it from the right perspective again.


Anonymous said...

Hi James,

Sorry to hear you've been feeling so blue, but happy to hear God has spoken to you through it.

We really admire you stepping out and heading out on this NZ adventure. Keep looking to God for extra reserves of strength and the emotional support you need in those low moments.......

.....and I'm always amazed at how much a good night sleep helps get things in perspective and give you a brighter outlook on things.

Your friends in Argentina,
Emma and Ollie

Anonymous said...

Hi James
I guess we all go through times like this every now and again. Its great that you can put it in perspective so well, I find that so hard. I'll be praying for you and your grandfather.

Peace out

-bb- said...

Thank you for your honesty. And praising God for his work of grace in your life, and your focus on it. It's a well needed reminder.